


Regrets and Calculations

by Arisprite



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Erwin is a really weird pov character, Immediately post manga, References the speech that Erwin made in the manga not the anime, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5510171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arisprite/pseuds/Arisprite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin regretted losing those two, if only for the cold hard fact that it would make Levi harder to control. It was a wrench in his plans and a waste for the company. Still, watching Levi mourn on the way back from that ill fated expedition, Erwin regretted it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets and Calculations

**Author's Note:**

> So, Erwin is super weird... I could continue this, possibly, but I'll post it like this for now.

The rain was clearing up; the sudden squall left as quickly as it came, but the damage had been done. Erwin’s formation was in shambles, and they’d lost so many people because of it. The unpredictability of the rain aside, the fact that they’d been so spread out when the fog came up meant that they were vulnerable to be picked off one by one. The rag tag band of blood spattered soldiers riding behind him was evidence of that. The titans had had them, like a child squishing a line of ants all in a row. 

His formation was a failure, this time, but in the background of Erwin’s mind, he was already flying through other safety precautions, like weather precautions, and possibly modifications to the signal pistols… 

At the forefront, however, Erwin’s chest was heavy with regret. Erwin didn’t look back at them, his men and other squads, all trailing after him as they made their way to meet up with the supply wagons in the middle. They’d head back to that castle, and regroup, staying together with the rest of the company until Shadis ordered otherwise. They’d treat their wounds, count up how many they’d lost, and mourn the bodies they left behind. 

Erwin tightened his grip on his bloodstained handkerchief, as he recalled his own wound, and the reminder of one of the things he regretted most about this set back. The slice across his palm wasn’t from a titan, but from Levi. Levi, who he’d brought up from the underbelly of the city and used for his own purposes, who’d had exactly two people in the world, and now had no one. Well, no one aside from Erwin, and his shadowy plans. He regretted losing Farlan and Isabel, and he was heartless enough to admit that it was mostly because Levi would be harder to control without them. 

Levi himself was far in the back of the company, deep in the middle - Erwin had made sure of it - and hunched over his horse’s neck, making him look smaller than he already was. His face was hidden behind his bangs, and his hood was pulled up again, hiding the spatters of titan and human blood on his cheeks and forehead. 

Erwin hadn’t been expecting his tackle, when he rode up, or the wildness in Levi’s eyes, immediately after losing those two. It had been unexpected. Levi had truly and deeply cared about those kids, and Erwin hadn’t calculated for the exact depth of his grief, should they lose them. He had that slice on his palm to pay for that, and the knowledge that only _very_ quick talking had gotten him out of it, quick talking paired with a level of sincerity that he didn’t often show. Levi had needed to see that he understood. He’d lost people too, he knew what it felt like to see your friends bitten in two. 

Erwin also knew he’d needed to shut down that self-depreciation that Levi had started to mutter. It wasn’t Levi’s fault, and it wasn’t Erwin’s. If Levi believed, with all his heart, that it had been because of the titans and this system of life, that Farlan and Isabel had died, then he’d still be of some use to him. If he sank into despair, or blamed something other than the titans, or gave the higher ups reason to mistrust Erwin’s decision on bringing him up, then Erwin would be hard pressed to keep him here. The next few days would show him the results of his gamble. 

Mike beside him sniffed, probably smelling the blood that was still staining his handkerchief. He had it gripped in his right hand, steering the horse with his left, but he needed true treatment soon. He wasn’t the only one, everyone needed to get checked over, and at least a couple of them had bad wounds. They all could ride, though, and moving forward was the best option for them right now. 

Mike had been right there when Levi had lunged, watching, ready, as Erwin signaled for him to stand down. The man was attentive at the best of times, but right now his senses were taut, and Erwin could tell that the man’s nose was pointed straight at Levi. 

“Let him be,” Erwin murmured, barely to be heard over the clod clod of the horses through the grassy muck. 

Mike clicked his teeth, and turned his head back towards Erwin. 

“He nearly killed you.” The reprimand was clear. Erwin glanced back at Levi again. Levi didn’t notice - his head was completely bowed, not even looking where they were going. Luckily, no one had spotted any titans, and their steady trot was quick enough to bypass the slower ones. 

“Grief is a powerful motivator. As we’re all aware, Mike. Please, trust me.” 

Mike’s face eased, and he nodded, though he still looked unhappy. 

“You don’t believe it was only grief,” Mike said, perceptive as always. “The blond was holding him back. Without him here, Levi will try to kill you again.” Mike’s voice was low, but Erwin still glanced around if anyone, or especially Levi was in hearing distance. They were a bit from the next horse over, and the noise was high, but Erwin still hushed Mike with a hand signal. 

“Maybe so. But I’ll deal with that if it comes.” 

Mike shook his head. “You and your gambles.” 

“If you’re talking about poker, don’t play with him,” Hange’s voice cut through their conversation, moving over towards them on her horse, and Erwin pulled on a pleasant face, as Hange teased. 

“Do you mean Mike or me?” he asked, and she looked between them, looking like she was thinking hard. 

“Both of you, actually. Ah! You know what, I would pay to watch you two play each other.” Hange’s voice, as usual, was just a little too exuberant for her surroundings, but she was still much more subdued than normal. She’d lost people too, some in her squad, and friends all across the company. 

Mike sniffed, and sneered at her, and she chuckled. “Erwin, what about you, are you in? Somebody had to have brought a pack of cards.” 

There would be some downtime tonight, before they headed back to Wall Maria. It was already late, and they were all tired. That castle would be a good base yet again, and as long as they left before the sun rose completely, they shouldn’t gather too big a crowd of titans to wait outside. 

Erwin shrugged about the offer of the game. It could be a good distraction for everyone, if Hange did as she did best, and turned it into a spectacle. 

“What do you say, Mike?” he asked, mouth lifting into a light smile. “Shall we provide entertainment this evening?” 

Mike knew what he was doing, and his lips quirked up too. He knew that they were both pretty evening matched in the cards department, and in fact they had played together and it had been a long and close game - it should be sufficient for an evening that would otherwise be silent and withdrawn. 

“Sure. Since you feel like losing.” 

Hange whooped, and the noise made the rest of the company startle, and look at her. She covered her mouth, looking sheepish, grinning behind her rain streaked glasses. 

“Erwin and Mike have agreed to play a game of poker tonight, for our entertainment,” she announced, and while people didn’t cheer or anything of the sort, there was a softer feeling in the air, as people were given something else to think about besides their friend’s deaths. 

Even Levi looked up, Hange breaking his reverie. His eyes were red, and he looked exhausted, and incredibly sad, but the sharpness was coming back into his gaze, and he was looking around again. Good man. Erwin watched as he glanced from side to side, and then kicked his horse into a slightly faster trot, but still staying further back. He met Erwin’s eyes for a moment, before turning away. 

~

They met up with Shadis and the rest of the company, and rode into the courtyard of the castle a few hours later. The sun was going down, so it was unlikely that they’d have to deal with many titans inside or around the area, but there was still selection of the more intact squads that swept the insides of the castle, before they brought the horses and supplies inside. Levi volunteered to be a part of that, even though the rest of his squad was gone and he was alone. Keith okayed it, and Erwin watched him go, before Mike dragged him over to his personal med kit, and grabbed his hand. 

He tsked, and dabbed at it with the handkerchief that he’d been gripping. New blood welled up, and Erwin frowned. That would be troublesome for a good while. 

“You should have wrapped this sooner. You’re probably low on blood.” Erwin was big enough that it took a lot of blood loss for him to feel woozy, but he could tell he was dehydrated. He grabbed his waterskin from his belt, acquiescing by taking a gulp of water while trying not to wince at Mike’s prodding. 

“Once we’re inside, I’ll have you stitch it, if you don’t mind?” Erwin said, and Mike nodded. 

“It needs it, definitely.” A twinkle came into his eyes, slight but there. “It’ll make it hard to hold the poker cards.” 

Erwin smirked. “I’ll manage.” 

The scouting team returned, safely, having taken down only one 3 meter titan inside, who’d probably been attracted to their scent they left behind, before the rains washed it all out. The inside was wet, apparently, with the state of the roof, but as long as it didn’t rain again, their mats would hold up, and most everyone would be able to rest semi-comfortably for a night. 

Erwin and the rest quickly got settled, and Mike expertly stitched up the long cut on his palm. He was right that the slice would give him trouble, as after it was bandaged, it was hard to grasp the handle of his blade, let alone the slim cards that Nanaba pulled out of his bag. As the night fell, and people began to feel a tiny bit safer (though of course, no one felt truly safe out here) a small crowd gathered around Mike as he shuffled the cards. 

“You sure you want to do this with your hand like that?” Mike asked, smiling in a subdued challenge. Erwin lifted an eyebrow. 

“You think I’m going to claim a handicap just for this?” he asked, and soft chuckles surrounded him. Erwin picked up the cards, slightly clumsily with his left hand, and fanned them out in front of hi Around their little table, with the lamp burning and rations of clean water and hard bread on tin plates, the remaining soldiers, wounds cared to and memories tucked away of their fallen comrades, smiled at their game. Erwin was pleased to be a figure of amusement, if only for an evening, and the banter back and forth with Mike and Hange (who was officiating) was easy and fun, if still subdued enough that those who were quietly separate, crouched in corners alone or huddled together with the friends or lovers they had left, were undisturbed. 

An hour later, after the game had officially been termed a draw (unofficially, Mike and Erwin both claimed they’d won, if only for their fortitude with the other’s jokes - Hange called them both losers, and pranced away with the crumbs of bread that had been the winner’s pot) People were moving away, heading towards bedrolls, for their shift at sleep before some would be woken for watch. Erwin’s shift was the last one, so he really ought to get to bed, before night bled into the dim dawn light, and it would be time to go out again. 

Erwin stood and stretched, wincing as his hand throbbed more intensely than it had been. He rubbed it carefully. 

“ _You_ grabbed the blade,” a voice said from the side, and Erwin didn’t start, but only just. Levi’s figure emerged from the shadows, where the lamp couldn’t reach. He looked tense, angry - only grief stricken because Erwin knew he had to be - and he stood in front of Erwin with his arms folded across his chest. 

Erwin looked at him, and smiled, chuckling a little to himself. “Indeed, I did. Wish I hadn’t quite so hard.” 

Levi clenched his teeth, looking down to the floor. 

“I was going to kill you.” 

Erwin didn’t really want that particular bit of information to get out to the general populace of the corps, and so glanced around for listeners, but most had already spread out to bed down. He looked back to Levi and nodded. 

“I appreciate that you didn’t,” he said, and Levi ‘tsked, turning his head sharply to the side. 

“Jokes, games. What is it with you people?” 

Erwin was sure that Levi was familiar enough with gallows humor, with people smiling so they didn’t sob. No, Erwin thought that what Levi had a problem with was him, specifically, making an effort to make his people smile. It probably didn’t fit with his image of Captain Erwin. Yes, Erwin had been quite careful up to this point to show Levi exactly what he expected. It was the best way to get the results he wanted. With Levi’s friends, and two good soldiers gone, Erwin thought it was time to drop the mask. 

“It’s something to think about besides the blood on our hands,” Erwin murmured, softly and calm. Levi’s eyes snapped to him, the red rims suddenly more evident. 

“You said it wasn’t my fault,” Levi said, voice mostly hard, but there was a line of pain thin as a wire that trembled through his voice. 

Erwin breathed in through his nose, letting out a heavy breath, showing Levi that he was sorry, in the only way he could. Strategically, it wasn’t very sound, but it seemed important, to that instinct deep inside that reached where logic could not. 

“It was my formation that spread us out, made people vulnerable who wouldn’t have been, put new recruits in the titan’s reach. If anyone could be blamed, it’s me.” 

Levi ‘tched again, and his hands fell from his tight fold to lay limp at his sides. He looked exhausted, and a decade older (honestly, probably closer to his real age than his appearance generally lended him). Erwin knew Levi wanted to blame him. He probably would for a while. But the murderous light was gone from his eyes, and only sorrow remained. He stared, quiet for a while, at the floor, while Erwin waited. 

“Is… Isabel… She wanted to stay, to follow you.” Levi’s voice was low and bitter. “She was beginning to believe in what it is you’re doing here. Farlan thought you were a good man.” 

Erwin watched him. “And you?” 

Levi’s tension snapped, and he drew his arms up around himself again, like he was holding back from lunging. His eyes flared, and his voice was sharp. 

“I still want to kill you!” he hissed, and breathed in and out for a moment. “But… killing you won’t get rid of the titans. And the _titans_ killed Farlan and Isabel.” 

Erwin nodded. 

“That they did.” Erwin shifted, turning towards where he’d laid down his things, before he looked back and down over his shoulder. Levi was still looking at him, reminding him of a ceramic vessel that had been glued back together one too many times. It’d hold water, sure. But one could never be sure if it’d shatter if you set it down too hard. Erwin didn’t like that tremble in the smaller man’s jaw, or the shimmer in his eyes. “You three may have had different reasons for being here than most. But in the end, Farlan and Isabel died for our cause, and you say they believed in it. That could be a comfort, if you like.” 

Levi jerkily pulled his chin down: maybe a nod, maybe a denial. Erwin let him be, and turned towards his bed. 

“Good night, Levi,” he said, soft and sorry, just what Levi needed to hear. Behind him, he heard a soft choke, and he very purposefully didn’t turn to see. In his mind's eye, he saw Levi covering his mouth with his hand, a sob finally breaking through, tears flooding his eyes as he curled in on himself. His footsteps hurried away, and Erwin continued to imagine Levi curling up on his bedroll, with the little privacy this castle set up provided him, to mourn his fallen friends against his bloody cloak. 

Erwin closed his eyes, against the images, and laid himself down. He was tired, in pain, but not much, and he needed to think clearly tomorrow, not just for the ride home, but after, when he’d be expected to defend his failed formation, and convince them all that he just needed another chance. Erwin knew it would cost more lives, but he was so close he could taste it. The soldiers knew what they were signing up for, for the most part. 

He regretted losing those two though. In the dark, Erwin looked again towards Levi’s bed roll. He caught himself from whispering an apology; this time not for Levi, in a calculated bid, but for himself. He closed his mouth against the urge. Then he turned over and sent himself to sleep.


End file.
